Are You Afraid of Life?

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When we were children my brother had a distorted old pair of running shoes which he refused to throw away because they were so comfortable. My mother, to no avail, kept telling him that distorted shoes affect your walk and can misshape a growing foot. She also had her own theory for me too. She’d say, if you walk around in very baggy clothing all the time, you’ll grow into them and won’t feel yourself getting fat. Now this is no blog on orthopedics or weight, but the running shoe and sweatpants admonishments have become symbolic life lessons for me. Where she was a pragmatist, I was a philosopher.

How often in life do we fall into what is comfortable for us instead of what is good for us? Too often! People are so reluctant to leave their comfort zones as though it was some exemplary state of being. My mother was right though, wearing more fitting clothes has kept me thin; as for the running shoes, they eventually got tossed. The comfort zone, dear readers, is not your friend. It’s a place where we lull ourselves with excuses, cower in fear and stop seeing who we are and what we are becoming. In the “bagginess” the details get lost and there is no valuable reference frame to measure our lives, our growth and G-d forbid our failures.

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How many of us have chosen friends because we feel “comfortable” to be “ourselves” instead of finding friends who are role models and who can teach us something. Motivational speakers say that we are the average of the five people with whom we spend the most time. As author Jim Kwik says, “If you hang out with nine broke people, be sure you’ll be the tenth one.” The Talmudic sages too have something to say on this matter: Firstly, “Distance [your]self from a bad neighbor [friend], and do not befriend an evil person.” As Rabbi Hanina said, “I have learned much from my teachers and even more from my friends….” Comfortable to be “ourselves?” We don’t even know who we are unless we’ve been tried and tested. Have courage to fail! Math teaches us that the more times you try, even if you fail, the more chances you have to succeed. Failure is not a death sentence--it’s a teacher.

It's sad; No, it’s tragic how many of us get too comfortable in jobs that are beneath us or “love” relationships that diminish us, or body sizes that inhibit us or habits that kill us? We even grow comfortable in our misery and the toxic voices in our head: “The whole world is bad,” “I’m the only good normal person left” and as such we disengage, stay in our bathrobe, eat a can of Pringles and watch YouTube.  

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A person has 70,000 thoughts a day. How are those thoughts feeding our choices? Are they poisonous thoughts or healthy? If someone would come up to anyone of us and say that we’re a big loser, a failure, a moron and an idiot etc., we’d tell them where to get off, maybe punch them in the nose. The reply would certainly not be G-dly. So why do we talk to ourselves that way? Judaism prohibits talking badly about people, that includes ourselves. Change your thoughts, change your life.

Yes, it’s intimidating to dip one’s toe in the big wide world because even as we get inspired, we really think everyone else is better than us, smarter than us, more capable than us. Basically, we are afraid of life. But as the book Outliers portrays via data, “geniuses” are made, not born. Few are greater than us naturally. The proof is that the self-help market is a multibillion-dollar market. Without ever opening a self-help book, merely acknowledging the size of that industry should be an instant cure for all our insecurities. It’s telling us, rather shouting at us, that everyone is in the same boat. Everyone is afraid or insecure on some level.

Yet, we fear to venture forth and the comfort zone sustains the status quo, we think. But it does not. Life is like a treadmill and it’s always moving; you are either going forward or being pulled backwards, sometimes imperceptibly slowly but going backwards just the same. We are afraid to know the truth about ourselves and prefer to remain legends in our own minds. But be sure, we were not assembled in China with substandard components; G-d created us and He’s the best manufacturer. When we connect with our G-dly purpose, there is no such thing as failure.

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This Shabbat on the Hebrew calendar marks the month of Elul, which is a month of introspection wherein people try to improve themselves prior to the oncoming high holidays of Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. But change can never really come if we don’t hone in on what needs to be changed. This week’s Parasha Re’eh opens with the words, “Behold, I set before you today a blessing and a curse.” We think the choice should be clear and easy. But the evil inclination starts blurring the lines between choices and we very often grab for the curse because it’s comfortable.

Friends, we have to start analyzing our lives, categorizing our behaviors and start choosing blessings. And we have to stop loving things, people, habits, foods, drugs and drinks, etc., that don’t love us back. There isn’t one among us who doesn’t want to adopt the American army slogan “Be all that you can be.” Many have just stopped acknowledging it. But it’s never too late or impossible.

We are told that G-d doesn't recognize the Jewish people from one Yom Kippur to the next. The pure souls that left the synagogue a year earlier have returned in a blemished state one year later. My prayer for all of us that next year G-d won’t recognize us once again but only because we are better, brighter, happier, healthier and holier than ever before.

And as my mother taught, stop falling into things that mask you faults or accommodate them, and start clinging to that which will fix them. 

                               Shabbat Shalom!

Does God Have Competition?

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I’ll never forget the first time I saw the movie, The Ten Commandments as a kid, and how I couldn’t help but wonder how people could be so stupid as to build a golden calf and deify it. It seemed so ridiculous. I never realized until later in life that I too was an idol worshipper of sorts, albeit unintentionally.

How was I too know, having grown up in a non-religious home, that all my mother’s beloved figurines were simply not allowed in a Jewish house? Yet, for years, they entered our home like a ceramic migrant invasion as my mother strongly took to heart the imperative to be fruitful and multiply when it came to them.

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Each expensive acquisition ushered in a new rule that further cordoned me off from showing them hospitality. They were too fragile to touch. As a little girl, I would stare for hours through the glass of my mother's curio cabinet or get close to the non-imprisoned statues when the coast was clear. After all, I was a little girl, and they were so pretty.

I always listened to my mother, except once when she wasn’t home. There was one ceramic woman leaning against a harp. This figurine really brought out the musician in me. I plucked at the harp strings of the statue with the full force of my musical talents and with such enthusiasm that the red-haired harpist’s head fell off. My mother threw the expensive statue away instead of gluing the head back on, saying that once it was broken, it had lost all its value.

Little did I know then that the seed had been planted, and that one day I’d grow up and emulate Abraham who rid his father’s store of idols by smashing all but one of them and telling his father that the surviving idol had broken the others.  When Terach, Abraham’s father, questioned how a mere idol could destroy the rest, Abraham wisely replied that if they were so helpless and incapable, why would his father worship them?

The second commandment heads the list of the 365 “Thou shalt not” commandments in the Torah: "You shall have no other gods before Me. You shall not make for yourself a graven image, nor any manner of likeness...." (Exodus 20:3-4). And although most of us do not have golden calves or graven images in our living rooms, we are still not free from idol worship.

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Whether such objects have us bowing or wowing, we’re not allowed to have them in our homes. But I’ll be very honest; the lovely forms wowed me and held sway on my life and formed my first impressions of what a woman should look like and how she should dress. In later years I realized not consistent with Jewish values. Now I know better and do better. Today, I’m tasked with caring for my elderly mother and her possessions. The figurines, we jointly decided, are no longer welcome. One I smashed for my own symbolic purposes; the rest are up for sale. Not only are they forbidden but also included in the prohibition are images of the sun, the moon, or stars.

It is interesting to note that most of the idols in ancient times were shaped as humans, because what we are really worshipping through idols are ourselves and our desires.  People wanted idols to serve them and make their desires come true. In contradistinction, a servant of G-d asks G-d, “What can I do for You?”  But an idolater asks what his god can do for him.

The worship of idols began in the generation after Adam. Mankind honored and worshipped the celestial creations as ambassadors and intermediaries of the Highest. As time went on, people began to forget G-d altogether and just served the celestial bodies. Maimonides explains that in its origins, polytheism was not devised in opposition to monotheism, but as a flawed attempt to better serve the one G‑d. The rabbis teach that temptation for idols became one of the strongest temptations.

In this week’s Parashah, Eikev Moses reminds the Israelites of G-d’s command that upon entering the new land, they must destroy the idols of the former inhabitants, lest they become ensnared by idolatry, for it is an abomination to God.

And the truth is, how many of us become trapped in life by the things we idolize? Think about some of the idols we worship today. Money, fancy lifestyles, fashion, our own arrogance, vanity, power, our image, success, our social status, politics, and social media.  Anything that comes between G-d and us is idol worship.

Putting our faith in any conduit as the means to our salvation or “mazal” is idol worship. Yes, we may need the intervention of doctors, lawyers, or accountants, etc. But don’t think for one second that they can help unless it is God’s will.  I know the best professionals in many specialties who failed miserably, leaving their clients hapless, helpless and hopeless. Don’t turn people into gods, believing that they are the source of your blessings. They are just vehicles. Only God has the key to your success or failure.

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Our sages also taught that someone who gets angry is like one who worships idols. For if a person believes that what happens to him is of G-d’s doing, he will not become angry. 

Friends, how often do we really examine our environs and take a good look at what is decorating our lives, and whether we are surrounded by idols both physically and spiritually?  

Interestingly, now that I’m trying to get rid of my mother’s decorative statues, I can hardly give them away, never mind sell them They are simply out of style. Once upon a time they were prized possessions in society, very expensive must-haves. In our day and age, they have completely lost their value and relevance.

What a great life lesson about the things we choose to collect. The only things that have value and last forever are G-d and His Torah.

So, start seeking and "smashing" all the idols in your life and start collecting mitzvahs. The returns are investment worthy. In fact, they are priceless.

Are You Really Honest?

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President Richard Nixon made famous the sentence, “I am not a crook.”  Yet, each of us could easily claim this sentence as our own mantra since most people think of themselves as decent, honest people, and certainly not as thieves!

We all well know that the Torah commands us not to steal, as do the laws of the land. As such, most people would not walk out of stores with expensive trinkets which they inadvertently slipped into their pockets and for which they “forgot” to pay. But the funny thing is, many of us will pluck a few grapes in the grocery store or grab a few nuts and pop them into our mouths. And the fact is, friends, we are not as honest as we may think we are. Our minor thefts are not benign, nor can they be easily or morally justified. We can't play politics with G-d.

A deeper look into the Torah commandment of not stealing reveals that this law is much more encompassing than it appears. On the scales of Divine justice, the stolen grapes may tilt the balance painfully against mankind.  The Biblical account of Noah teaches us that G-d decided to destroy the world via a flood because “…the earth had become filled with robbery” (Genesis 6:11).

But this robbery wasn’t of the same audacious nature as that of the famous Harry Winston jewelry theft in Paris, where armed robbers disguised as women stole over $90 million of jewels and watches. The Torah is referring to a wrong that is too petty, too small, to be tried in a court of justice … but if committed continuously, these wrongs can gradually ruin and bankrupt your fellow man.  

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If someone goes to a market and tears off a grape and eats it — not much damage is done. However, the next person then comes along and does the same thing, and so on. It is not long before the bunch of grapes, or nuts or olives are diminished both in appearance and quantity — and the owner really has no one to blame for the theft.  Nonetheless, the damage is done and justice is obfuscated. Hence, this is a sin for which the Generation of the Flood was punished. We are commanded to pursue justice, not distort it.

There are those among us who would never sample items before paying for them, after all, the grapes aren’t even washed. But many of us are guilty of obtaining our desires through cunning and manipulation. Well, here is a definition of stealing you may not have considered: When we manipulate another person, we are guilty of stealing his or her clarity of mind, innocence or emotions. This type of behavior is called geneivat ha’daat:  "theft of the mind."

For example, it is prohibited to invite a person for dinner just to look kind and show good will if you know that they will turn you down. It is forbidden to pretend to be interested in buying an item and stealing a salesperson’s time by tricking them into believing you intend to buy it.

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The Talmud states that there are seven types of thieves, and the worst is the one who “steals the minds” of people (Tosefta Bava Kama 7:3).  It is simply prohibited to imply something that is not true to influence another person’s behavior. As the Rambam taught: "It is forbidden to say one thing with your mouth while believing another thing in your heart."

Leading someone to believe something that is not true is not only morally wrong and tantamount to stealing, but can also cause a chain of events which can ultimately result in a victim’s death.  

Imagine such tragic scenarios as where a heartbroken individual may have given up her   precious time and displayed emotional vulnerability because a manipulator dishonestly implied that he would   marry her.  

Imagine someone who spent his last dollar because a smooth talker implied that the success of whatever it may be was guaranteed.

Imagine putting your well-being into the hands of a schemer who pretends to be  competent, be it a doctor, a PR person, a real estate agent, an intern, an employee or an athlete.

The preceding are all considered stealing and are forbidden by Jewish law. When taking the aforementioned into consideration, perhaps most of us are no longer passing the Honesty Test with an A-plus.

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Without putting our hand in someone’s purse or pickpocketing, we can also steal from another by speaking about them, lashon hara.  And in contradistinction to secular libel law, this holds true even if what is said is true.

“Life and death are in the power of the tongue” (Mishlei 18:21). When we speak ill of others, we are essentially killing them and stealing their good name and success by poisoning the many paths they may intend to walk down in life. How can a person have a fair chance to succeed if demeaning and damaging words knock down his/her opportunities even before he or she has a chance to grab for them? What is stolen by ill words can never be recompensed.

Some of us are not backstabbers and tell people what we think right to their face. But it is also forbidden to demean others.   Using words in a hurtful and condescending manner toward another human being steals their dignity and their confidence without which a man is robbed of his ability to face life’s challenges with healthy courage.

Simply put, it is stealing to deny someone their time, dignity, reputation, money, or justice.  Even coveting what belongs to another is tantamount to robbery. So know, desiring your neighbor’s car is bad enough under the ever-present eyes of G-d. You don’t have to steal it to be guilty of wrongdoing.

But with Hassidic optimism Reb Zusha says that even thieves can teach us something. In fact, there are seven things which we can learn from them, one of which will help ensure that we stay honest. It is their mindfulness to detail. After all, a good crook doesn’t want to get caught. The biggest heists can take years to plan.  If we would guard our behavior with the same attention to detail as they plan their crimes, we would never misbehave on any front, least of all take from another what is theirs.

Clean hands, clean hearts, pure tongues. “Be holy because I am Holy” G-d instructs. 

          As the saying goes dear readers, “In order to live well, you either have to have a clean conscience or no conscience.” Choose wisely.

Shabbat Shalom!

 

Can You Feel It?

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We are a generation which is quite adept at deadening life’s pains in a variety of creative ways - from popping pills to pursuing seductive pleasures. We reason that all our troubles will just go away with just a bit more alcohol, a few more puffs of marijuana, more online shopping, another vacation, or another Botox injection.  We close our eyes to reality and open them instead to mind-numbing entertainment - from TikTok to Netflix to social media. We have become so good at distracting and fooling ourselves that some of us even convince ourselves that we love our  lives even while everything is crumbling around us.  But if we really loved our lives, would we be running away from it?

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What people mistake for “love” is the need for certainty. Change can be so terrifying that instead of facing life with open eyes and courage, we pretend things are ok by dulling our senses in a variety of ways. We keep hoping that our denial will prevent things from crashing in on us. But hope, my friends, is not a strategy. 

We are like Europe’s Jews preceding the war.  We try to preserve the status quo — often at any price — and the price, my friends, is very high. We surrender life itself.  

We just don't want change and will avoid it by any means. But we are not born to stagnate, as we know even standing water breeds bacteria or fungi. We mustn’t let our comfort zones paralyze us, always keep moving—there’s always room to grow in our service and commitment to G-d, our community and in all aspects of our lives. In fact, the first Commandment to man is to be fruitful and multiply -- not only by having offspring, but by being productive ever-changing ever-refined conduits for Divine light. We are not supposed to go with the flow…. but grow with the flow.

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When the lives we build seem to be crashing in on us, we should not be reaching for the vodka or the TV remote control, but rather asking, “What is G-d trying to tell us?” In fact, all of life is a conversation with G-d - not just with our mouths, but with our entire beings.

We are antennas and the only way we can pick up G-d’s frequency is by keeping His Torah. If we move the dial and step out of frequency with His will, our reality becomes filled with chaotic static. It is no wonder that some of our lives feel like a death spiral as we willfully and arrogantly detach from the very Source of life. 

While Jews across the globe are lost in summer’s pleasures and diversions, “loving life” -- life is not loving them back. Antisemitism is now at an all-time high, not only in the usual places, but in such bastions of freedom and democracy as Canada and the United States. The hate is growing in a world which has been destabilized by Covid, economic woes and unsettling world affairs.  Unfortunately, not the frostiest seasonal popsicles or ice creams can freeze that grim reality.  The only way to better our world and our lives is to return to Hashem. We know that because He told us and G-d is not a liar. “And it will be if you obey the Lord, your God, to observe to fulfill all His commandments which I command you this day, the Lord, your God, will place you supreme above all the nations of the earth…And all these blessings will come upon you and cleave to you.…” (Deuteronomy 28:1-2)

Instead, we take pride in our stubbornness and sinful ways, dig in our heels not realizing that we are digging our own graves. Perhaps it’s time to stop numbing ourselves and lend ear to what G-d is telling us, personally and as a nation.  

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In this week’s Torah reading of Devarim, Moses reminds the Israelites of their errors throughout their 40 years in the desert. As Moses recaps their journey, we twice read how G-d told the Jews that it was time to move on: “You have dwelt long enough at this mountain,” and then, “You have circled this mountain long enough.” 

These are not merely prompts to command the Jews to travel towards the Holy Land.   They are rather messages to continually remind us to stop being comfortable with what we’re doing and who we are. We must keep moving, keep becoming and never glorify any one spot physically or spiritually.

The sentence “I love my life” calls for cross-examination. I’m not advocating to hate one’s life, but rather to challenge it, look at it, better it and sanctify it.

In Judaism, we believe that if one changes one’s place, one changes one’s fortunes. On a simple level, this refers to a change of physical location.  On a more profound echelon, it means continually shaking up our spiritual realities.  If we continually improve ourselves as people and as Jews, we will never  walk in the same place twice,  but rather transform ourselves and the space we occupy. After all, we were not mandated to go silently into that good night, but rather to light the way. The trick is not to deaden ourselves while we live, but to ensure we live on after we die.

Shabbat Shalom