Who Are You?

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Pulling out my calling cards made me feel important: ABC News, Fox News, Lifestyles Magazine, not shabby affiliations by any means. And as a journalist, I have to admit, at the onset of my career, meeting prominent people was intoxicating. There it was, my name in the byline next to world-famous headliners, congressmen, journalists and rock stars. At first, I was so proud of myself—a superstar by affiliation, but not for long. When you rub shoulders with such people, what really rubs off?

As we know well, all that glitters is not gold. For the most part, it was a fake world, simultaneously bamboozled and paranoid with itself. Some of the people I interviewed and met have been indicted and have done pretty bad things; am I now guilty by association? It seems only fair, seeing I gained honor from their klieg lights. At what expense, I ask, are we hanging on to our titles, prestige or make-belief visions and versions of ourselves? A whole life goes by without truth. We cling to every status symbol, strive for even more, never deeply contemplating who the real audience is.

I consider myself fortunate because for every "star" I've pursued, I was keenly aware of the presence of a Higher Power above them, Hashem. When I finally realized I was living in a vapid world of make-believe, there was something real and unchanging for me to grasp onto—G-d and His Torah. Scrolled up in the heart of every synagogue is the true infinite source of light, not one that switches off when the show is over or burns out midway. 

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To be fair, some whom I’ve met were highly inspirational and I’ve learned from them. But my proudest affiliation is with G-d. Working for Him alone is when I really became a somebody. And I’m proud of my latest title. No, it is not editor-in-chief, producer, pundit, or Queen of Questions—it is a servant of G-d. In this job, what is real about me has lasted; sculpted by the word of G-d, the stardust is all gone. 

We have only to look to Moses as the ideal role model. He never even applied for the greatest job in history. He was assigned it nonetheless, for his resume had life’s greatest and rarest trait, humility. The greatest prophet in history, who spoke face-to-face with G-d, did not have business cards that read Prophet-in-Chief or CEO of the Torah. Moses was called a servant of G-d. His humility made him the worthy and blessed vessel to receive the greatest gift ever given to humanity, the Torah. King David's humility too made him the greatest king in history: "And I am a worm and not a man." (Psalms 22:17) 

Today, humility is more rare than ever. Our egos and pride have become massive scaffolds holding up our house of cards. But when life huffs and puffs, it will blow our house down. 

In this week’s Torah reading, once again, Moses laments the fact that G-d won’t let him into the Promised Land. He beseeches G-d 515 times, to no avail. We are taught that Moses begged G-d to let him enter the Land even as a beast of the field. Titles didn’t matter to Moses. To serve G-d, to reach the prized destination following the liberation from Egypt, he was ready for the most dramatic of demotions. He knew what we egoists can’t get through our swollen heads, nothing matters but G-d. He is the only audience we have, “ein od milvado.”/ “There is nothing but Him.” When one acknowledges that fact deeply, pretense begins to fall away. If we adjust our self-talk from "all eyes are on me" to "HIS eyes are on me," then we will be putting on a completely different show. Misleading pretexts will give way to genuine purpose. (And friends, it’s never ever too late.) 

When we leave a job, retire, or get fired, and our business cards become obsolete as we are no longer who they say we are, then who are we? If we want to know who we are, then we must know from where we come. We are the descendants of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. We are the students of Moses and the trustees of the Divine word chosen by God Himself. We are Jews. Deliverers of light. That is our job and duty. So, stop focusing on the calling cards and bend your ear toward your calling.

                                                     Shabbat Shalom!

 

Feeling No Pain

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We are a generation that is quite adept at deadening life’s pains in a variety of creative ways - from popping pills to pursuing seductive pleasures. We reason that all our troubles will just go away with just a bit more alcohol, a few more puffs of marijuana, more online shopping, another vacation, or another Botox injection. We close our eyes to reality and open them instead to mind-numbing entertainment - from TikTok to Netflix to social media. We have become so good at distracting and fooling ourselves that some of us even convince ourselves that we love our lives even while everything is crumbling around us. But if we really loved our life, would we be running away from it?

What people mistake for “love” is the need for certainty. Change can be so terrifying that instead of facing life with open eyes and courage, we pretend things are ok by dulling our senses in a variety of ways. We keep hoping that our denial will prevent things from crashing in on us. But hope, my friends, is not a strategy.

We just don't want change and will avoid it by any means. But we are not born to stagnate, as we know even standing water breeds bacteria or fungi. We mustn’t let our comfort zones paralyze us; always keep moving—there’s always room to grow in our service and commitment to G-d, our community, and in all aspects of our lives. In fact, the first Commandment to man is to be fruitful and multiply -- not only by having offspring but by being productive, ever-changing, ever-refined conduits for Divine light. We are not supposed to go with the flow…. but grow with the flow. And for true growth, we often have to resist the flow.

When the lives we build seem to be crashing in on us, we should not be reaching for the vodka or the TV remote control, but rather asking, “What is G-d trying to tell us?” In fact, all of life is a conversation with G-d - not just with our mouths but with our entire beings.

We are antennas, and the only way we can pick up G-d’s frequency is by keeping His Torah. If we move the dial and step out of frequency with His will, our reality becomes filled with chaotic static.

Look at what is going on in Israel now. G-d didn't give us Israel so we can run to the beach and turn it into a secular playground. We have the State of Israel in order to serve G-d, and if we will corrupt the land with our misbehaviors, it will vomit us out. G-d's words not mine.  If we are not united in a common vision with all eyes on G-d, we risk becoming irreparably fractured, sadly tearing ourselves apart, doing to ourselves what our enemies couldn't accomplish." United we stand, divided we fall, but we have to be united in keeping G-d's Torah. When we've tried to do otherwise through history, it did not work well for us.

The only way to better our world and our lives, to bring peace to Israel among Jews themselves, is to return to Hashem. We know that because He told us, and G-d is not a liar. “And it will be if you obey the L-rd, your G-d, to observe to fulfill all His commandments which I command you this day, the L-rd, your G-d, will place you supreme above all the nations of the earth…And all these blessings will come upon you and cleave to you.…” (Deuteronomy 28:1-2)

In this week’s Torah reading of Devarim, Moses reminds the Israelites of their errors throughout their 40 years in the desert. As Moses recaps their journey, we twice read how G-d told the Jews that it was time to move on: “You have dwelt long enough at this mountain,” and then, “You have circled this mountain long enough.”

These are not merely prompts to command the Jews to travel towards the Holy Land. They are rather messages to continually remind us to stop being comfortable with what we’re doing and who we are. We must keep moving, keep becoming, and never glorify any one spot physically or spiritually.

In Judaism, we believe that if one changes one’s place, one changes one’s fortunes. On a simple level, this refers to a change of physical location. On a more profound echelon, it means continually shaking up our spiritual realities. If we continually improve ourselves as people and as Jews, we will never walk in the same place twice but rather transform ourselves and the space we occupy. After all, we were not mandated to go silently into that good night, but rather to light the way. 

What's Blocking The Light?

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There is no aspect of spring cleaning after a hard winter that is more satisfying than window washing. A half a bottle of Windex and a lot of paper towels later, the view of the world outside becomes clearer, brighter and in some way even lighter. Every swipe seems to wipe away a bit of sadness as the flecks and grime give way to enthusiastic manpower allowing greater light to enter. But when G-d said, “Let there be light,” was He talking about our windows? I dare posit a philosophical “Yes” as all physical manifestations are reflections of a higher world. They are the means through which we can learn more about G-d and our existence. The moral of the window-washing story is streak-free clear: When we clean up our acts, we let the light in.

We all know that beautiful things grow in the light, i.e., flowers, trees, fruit and children too. Yet, so many of us cling to the darkness, even with all its uncertainty and turmoil, because we find comfort there in the familiar blackness of doing things as usual, in retracing yesterday's tracks. We strive to escape the gloomy shadows of our lives not realizing we are the very ones blocking the light.

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More often than not when things go wrong, we question, “Where is G-d?" rather than questioning ourselves, “Where am I in relation to His light?” The sages teach us that sin sullies our souls and blocks us from being vessels for the G-dly light. We become so veiled and dirtied by sin that we can neither be, nor see, the light. Nothing beautiful can radiate in or out becomes we are such a mucky mess.

Before the first man, Adam, sinned, he was enveloped in a halo of light. But after the sin, the garment of “light” which cloaked him and radiated through his body was diminished and replaced by garments of skin.  He reduced his soul to a state of opaqueness and concealment making it ever harder to recognize itself and its relationship to G-d. It is no coincidence that in Hebrew the word for “skin” and “light” are homonyms, or. The kabbalist known as Or ha-Ḥayyim teaches that when G-d turned the skin of Moses' face into light, He demonstrated that the process which had once turned light into skin was reversible and that man could be rehabilitated to the spiritual level he once enjoyed prior to the sin.

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What is our job, great nobility that we are? We are the cleanup crew. But Windex won’t do the job to raise the shattered holy sparks which became dispersed in all things in this world through creation and Adam’s sin. G-d gave us the directives on how to clean our souls and bring the light (sparks) out of the dark places if we follow His Torah and make it our Torah. Interestingly, Einstein’s famous equation E = mc² teaches us that there is light in all things. G-d teaches us how to properly retrieve it. Each of the commandments cleanses us and elevates us and makes us worthy receptacles of G-d’s blessings and Light.

But if we don’t change our ways and clean ourselves up on our own, then G-d will send in the pressure washer. In this week’s Torah reading we read of all the 42 encampments (and backtracking) the Israelites set up and broke down during their 40 years of wandering. Not an easy, smoothly-paved road. But they created many of the bumps and hurdles by themselves by continually sinning and rebelling against G-d and Moses and failing the many tests G-d set before them. Each hardship and encampment through which the Israelites journeyed was a cleansing and served as a preparation for the gift of the Land of Israel. Do you personally really want to figuratively wander blindly for 40 years and wonder why your life resembles a man-made disaster zone that only G-d can repair? Or would you prefer to take matters into your own hands? Start keeping kosher, lighting Sabbath candles, pick up a book of Judaism, stop sinning and spinning in circles…just start cleaning up somewhere in your spiritual house.

Further proof that G-d cleans what He loves is that the Israelites are not commanded to merely meander into town and make friends with their new Canaanite neighbors. Rather, they are commanded to drive them all out of the land and destroy their structures of worship and idols. Before something G-dly can enter, before blessings can enter, our inner and outer “worlds” need to be cleaned. The Israelites are also warned, “And let the land not vomit you out for having defiled it, as it vomited out the nation that preceded you.” 

It is interesting and tragic that we live in an age where every resource is available to humankind to enlighten it and yet it cannot see the light--or free the light. But friends, we are made in G-d’s image and so we have the power to radically change everything, personally and globally. If we would only clean our spiritual windows with the Word of G-d, we’d see how dramatically the stains of winter would abscond and how beautifully and powerfully the  light would shine through and heal the mess we've made. Shabbat Shalom!

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The FEET of The Brain

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I love going for long walks in the outdoors and exploring new places and paths. But I've noticed that no matter how far I walk or the new scenery I encounter, sometimes I take old thoughts with me. The inner critic is persistent, and instead of it being a nature walk, it becomes the walk of shame and self-blame.

My feet are free to wander into the unknown, but my own memories and thoughts are still chained to yesterday. There's nothing wrong with reminiscing, but there is something wrong when we continually beat ourselves up over yesterday's misdeeds and can't find it in our hearts to forgive ourselves. Somehow, we feel that if we keep ourselves in a state of perpetual self-admonishment and self-flagellation, it's a way of redeeming ourselves. In truth, it does the opposite. Think of yourself as a pickle marinating in sour brine. It serves only to preserve the pickle in a state of sourness.

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On one such walk, while listening to a Torah shiur on YouTube as I often do, I was once again burdened by my mistakes. I asked God when He would forgive me because the mess my life was in seemed to indicate that He had not. At that moment, in the recorded class, the rabbi said words that stunned me and stopped me in my tracks. I don't remember the context, but he said, "Hashem doesn't want you to repeat your apologies every day. If you're sincere in your sorry, in word and deed, He will forgive you. Now stop kvetching and learn to forgive yourself." Wow, for the first time in a long time, my feet were now stuck, but my brain had a new path to explore.

Friends, if we continually beat ourselves up over yesterday, what chance does today or tomorrow have? The Talmud claims that someone who repeats a confession on a past misdeed is likened to "…a dog who returns to his own vomit, so is a fool who persists in his folly" (Proverbs 26:11).

 

For the purposes of this article, let's define self-forgiveness as breaking away from the past, extracting ourselves healthily, and moving forward with optimism, positivity, and Godly light. Be certain, it is Satan himself who wants to keep us in a state of unrelenting regret, keeping us bitter, insecure, and fearful. Whatever a coach does to cheer on his team to victory, Satan does the opposite. He poisons us with a defeatist mentality to keep us in a state of mourning over who we are, what we have done, and where we've come from. He's the confidence destroyer who makes a powerful and unforgiving case against us, sprinkled with manipulative anecdotes. He is none other than the Angel of Death who has come to kill our potential because he knows that the moment we become self-forgiving, we are freed from his fatal clutches and back in God's Hands, where all things are possible.

 

I cannot help but think of King David as the best example. He was a mere shepherd boy who couldn't tolerate the Israelites cowering before the Philistines. Even though he was not tall or trained as a warrior, he decided that he would be the one to fight Goliath. A mere lad with a slingshot stepped forward while all the King's men trembled before their fatal foe. When David was given King Saul's armor to take on Goliath, miraculously, although he was of smaller stature than King Saul, the armor fit him perfectly. With untempered devotion and faith in God, he did not put limitations on his potential, and reality catered to his will. Nonetheless, King David shed the royal armor because he felt more comfortable in his own skin. It is not the armor, nor the crown, nor your stature that defines you. It is your will and the spirit of God that will animate the steps you take in life and the blessings that accompany them.

 

So many of us are burdened by past debts and would be only too happy to hear the creditors say they forgive those debts. The same concept applies here: Don't let the past, who you think you are, or what you've done weigh you down. Forgive your debts and move on. Feed your body and soul with new information. Even on a physical level, we know that our body replaces around 330 billion cells per day, and scientists say that within 80 days, we are, for the most part, a completely new person. Act like one!

 

In this week's Torah reading of Pinchas, we are briefly reminded of Korach's fate. The earth opened up and swallowed him and his cohorts for rebelling against Moses' leadership. But we are also reminded that "Korach's sons did not die." Why? Because they separated themselves from their father's evil ways and repented. We can cast off the "sins" of our "fathers" by being children of Hashem and keeping His Torah. Indeed, we are the fathers of our own sins, but we can cast off our old selves and become fathers of good deeds, commandments, and a new life.

 

In the Talmud, people have an obligation not to remind others of their past misdeeds, assuming they may have atoned and grown spiritually from their mistakes. So, if others are not allowed to remind you, stop reminding yourself. Stop remembering your past, and start remembering your future.

Shabbat Shalom

 

Dedicated to the memory of my best friend Pinchas (Phil) who never let me cower in retreat but always told me, “You can do it,” no matter what the challenge was. Those words were among the greatest gifts I ever got. May his neshamah have an Aliyah.