My
ever-so-elegant mother was born in France. Thus, perhaps it’s in my blood to
like all things trimmed with ostrich feathers? And so, when I saw a bedazzling-golden-gilded-masquerade
mask further embellished by burgundy plumage, I thought there was no better decorative
accessory to hang on the bare narrow wall in my office. I couldn’t get back fast enough to hang it
up. Yet, all my creative efforts to
affix it and angle it so as to maximize its beauty failed-- nails, glue, hooks,
all for naught. It didn’t fit and that was it. For the first time in a long
time I wasn’t talking to the walls, they were talking to me. But what were they saying? I speak three
languages but Sheetrock isn’t one of them. Nonetheless, that blank wall, at
which I often stare unwittingly when turning away from my blank computer screen
and as a reprieve from writer’s block, was demanding something else. Did it even know what or was I supposed to
know? Three days later, with great ease
I hung upon my narrow wall in vertical fashion, the antidote to the mask and all
its duplicitous implications--three 12X12 paintings each bearing a bold Hebrew
letter Aleph, Mem & Tav. Together
they spell the word emet /“truth.” My
wall seems very happy now, my soul too, my wallet not so much. But I have
learned long ago that in the long run the price of truth is cheaper than its competitors
and very often recompensed beyond measure.
The
problem with most of us is that we are seduced and charmed by masks and false
veneers, even our own. They seem easier to wear when interfacing with the world
and even with ourselves. It’s ironic that Moses used to wear a mask to temper
the light and Godliness that emanated from his face and we wear figurative
masks to hide the lies and darkness of who we are. We hide behind our titles, money, fashion
labels, and some even behind religious garb. Truth takes a lot of guts, both to
dish it out and to receive it. We’ve heard it said, “The truth hurts.” Like the
famous line in the movie A Few Good Men:
“You can’t handle the truth.” But then
our lives are beset with problems and we turn to God and ask, “Why is this
happening to me?” We can tolerate the truth only when life hurts
more than the truth. When our tears burn
like acid.
Truth
involves accountability. It involves the whole story, A-Z, not just the details
you want to include. And that is why the three-letter word for truth in Hebrew is comprised of the very
first, the middle and the very last letter of the Aleph Bet. It is ALL encompassing. The truth, unlike me, does not need an editor
to polish it up and to cut out extraneous words. And so, we see in this week’s
Torah reading how Joseph’s brothers who seemed to live without much conscience
all those years for having sold their brother, only dared to face the truth
when they had terrible troubles of their own. The truth was not extraneous to
them, it was in them. “They said one to another: Indeed,
we’re guilty concerning our brother in that we saw the anguish of his soul when
he entreated us and we would not hear; therefore is this anguish come upon
us.”
We
read in the Torah that Yehuda, Joseph’s brother, buried two sons of his own.
Rabbinical exegetes explain that it was punishment for the pain he cast on his
own father by his involvement in Joseph’s disappearance. Yet even then, he did
not say his misfortunes were a result of his misdeeds. And so, his troubles didn’t cease until he
professed culpability along with his brothers. In our own lives too, when we
attribute the source of our troubles to everything and everyone instead of
pointing the finger at ourselves, our suffering will continue. Firstly, because we will never change, repent
or make good. And secondly, because God will keep reminding us through further
tribulations. The Talmud says that God hates liars. And something tells me it’s
not a good thing when God hates you.
The Hebrew word aval (indeed) which comes before the brothers’ long repressed confession is interesting because it can mean many things. The manner in which they use it is honest and free of excuses: “INDEED we are guilty.” Except this same Hebrew word, aval, also means BUT. Ah, the word “but,” the famous pivot upon which the best excuses swivel: But, I wouldn’t have cheated on her if she lost weight; but I wouldn’t have stolen a few bucks from the petty cash if they paid me more; but I did it because they deserved it. Who said the manufacturing business is dead? We manufacture more excuses every day for the decisions we make than the Chinese manufacture knock-off fake designer wear. We put in a lot of time and effort manufacturing phony, make-believe lives, producing semblances of decency, piety, importance and sophistication. Instead, we really should be ripping off the mask and taking our true selves to task.
Why?
Because that same word aval which
means both “indeed” and “but” in Hebrew, also spells another word and that word
is MOURNING. Erase the Hebrew vowels
under the letters and you have no idea if you are reading the word, “indeed,” “but”
or “mourning.”
Three
times a charm, right? Wrong! Nothing’s a
coincidence in God’s holy language. Mourning is the common denominator for the
two roads we can travel. On one road mourning will heal us.On the other, it
will bury us alive. We can mourn our misdeeds, pull off the self-deceptive
mask, stop appeasing our conscience, toss out cheap excuses, retire all the “ifs
and buts” as Joseph brother’s
ultimately do. Or, we can perpetually mourn our troubles, continue to justify
our misdeeds and invite further suffering upon ourselves--sometimes to the
point of no return--simply because we are stubborn, arrogant or ignorant and
look so much better with the mask on. With the mask on, it’s never your
fault. Now you not only have something
in common with the mass producers of the phony and fake but also with Eden’s
Primordial Snake. He too was a master at making excuses to justify wrong
behavior and thus brought mankind down. Better to be like King David “whose greatness
shines in both his ability to take responsibility for his actions and the
humility of his admission and the repentance that follows. This is part of the
reason that the ultimate redeemer of the Jewish people and the world will
descend from David's line ― he will be ‘Messiah, son of David.’”[1]
I
look away from my computer and the “truth” is hanging before me. I really love
it. Knowing my sensibilities, I’m not really sure how I could ever have contemplated
hanging a mask to begin with. The only feather it seems I've really been
bequeathed to pick up is my writing quill which I will continue to dip in
God's Soul--the ultimate Fountain of Truth—and tell you everything you don’t
want to hear.
[1]
http://www.aish.com/jl/h/cc/48936837.html
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